Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
