Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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