I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
