Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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