that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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