I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
