I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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