life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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