I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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