Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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