I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
