Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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