Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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