It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
