remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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