I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I deserve this hangover.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
