i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
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Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
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The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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