Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
