Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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