I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
