What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
