I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
