I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im holly from the hills drunk
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
