Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My penis needs a shock collar
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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