i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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