i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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