I think I won the penis lottery.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
