bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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