You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
