I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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