i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
