Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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