My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
