I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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