Porn is love you can see.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
