so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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