Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Randomize
