You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.