i don't plan on having that self control this summer
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
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saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
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He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it