I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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