i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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