and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
