I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I feel like death gave me a hand job
When did we convert life to cartoon?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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