hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
