I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
