take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
