I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
