My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
