I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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