I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
