I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
