thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize