Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
