If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
we're so committed to being not committed
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize