well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
