Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
